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| Starbucks Christmas Cups |
But since I started this blog to document my university experience, I think its only fair to let myself do so as half of the school year has already passed.
University in a nutshell: I really, really enjoy it. I like university. University is cool. University can stay.
Keeping on top of my work has been a struggle, as any human university student will tell you. (We don't count the robotic ones. We keep our distance from those.) But considering the fact that depression and anxiety have been kicking my ass, it's been especially difficult to do the basics. Getting out of bed, going outside, eating properly. These are things that I usually don't struggle with, and they have become a bit (read: a lot) more of an effort. And because these things are now hard to deal with, due dates, attendance, and homework are often compromised. Which I already feel like dick about.
But to anyone who struggles with mental health: You're trying. Believe it.
It's been taxing on my self-esteem and self-value to accept that my level of success at school is not going to be as great as I want it to be. (And granted, success is a relative term. But details, shmetails.) I'm not going to be able to do as well. As well as I know I can had my mental illness not been constantly trying to eat me alive. And it's hard to separate that. That my shortcomings are due to a lack of ability. Not due to a lack of desire. Not due to a lack of effort. And even when I am able to accept that, the fact that even though I know I can hit an 8/10 or whatever, 5-6/10 is the best I can do right now. And I mean, that's a tough pill to swallow. And it's totally makes me feel ~less than~. But it's okay. That's what I have to keep telling myself. It's okay. I will get better. And I'm sure of it. Its not wishful thinking, its fact. Its just going to take time to get there. And I need to be okay with myself to get there. I need to be okay with the things I go through to get there. And I can't keep beating myself up when I feel like I'm not trying. Because I am. I know I am, but I won't give myself that satisfaction because I feel so terribly undeserving of it. I mean, don't want this to get too dark, but let's just say it's a layered issue/worry/statement for me as of now. But my depression and anxiety stems way past my academic insecurities. I just don't really want to tackle it right now on this post. It's like a volcanic eruption when I try to explain it, because all my feelings are still wrapped up in high-quality self-blame. And a sprinkle of self-loathing. And shame and guilt. (And note, I'm not ashamed to have a mental illness. I do feel shame in what mental health does to me, and what it hinders me from doing. Which! I know I shouldn't feel! I know it (kind of) - but it's a process.) But..
I'm trying.
I'm trying to try.
I will be okay,
I am loved.
And I am worth loving.
And, god-dammit, I'll keep telling myself these things until I believe it.
But while my mental health has definitely been a major part of my life during my first semester (it will be a big part of my second one too, I'm sure), there are many great things that have shaped my first semester. I want to say the good outweighed the bad (which, fine, if it was a competition, it probably would), but it wouldn't be a completely fair statement. While the fantastic memories that I have made over the past semester are ones that I value much more, and hold closer to me than the mental illness struggles, I didn't live them separately. They've influenced and impacted each other - I'm bad with words, so I don't know exactly how to explain it. But I hope ya feel.
My absolute favourite parts about university are:
- Living with my roomie. I love her. She's fantastic. She puts up with me. She's supportive. Lovely. Hilarious. Beautiful. Perfect. Sassy. I literally cannot imagine my life in university without her being a part of it. I adore her. In the least creepy way possible.
- Lectures. My profs first semester were such a treat. I wish I would have attended more lectures, but that's neither here nor there. As I mentioned in a previous post, the opportunity to hear the great minds rave about all their passions. And when they are able to do it in an engaging, charismatic, and enthusiastic way. I'm in love with far too many profs - but omg! You would to if you heard them speak! Here's to hoping that next semester is filled with as much of it.
-Friends. Omg. I already feel next level lucky for being in university. And one away from home at that. But that was all planned. The friends, they were not. The gods of the universe totally worked in my favour for surrounding me with such lovely company. I've met some of the most thoughtful, hilarious, and sweet people in here. And I'm looking forward to truly fleshing these friendships out. And hoping that these will turn into very meaningful relationships to me. I just love them. Ugh. Honestly, I look at them, and look at me (old spice style) and they're all just way too cool for me. Whatever. I have them and you don't na-na-na-na-na-na.
And I mean, those are on the top of the list.
Those are enough for me to have a more than satisfying time.
A fun time.
Defining points in my experience.
And granted, they're honestly nothing unexpected. But these points completely make my time in university.
Obviously there are other things I love. My campus is a beauty. I also found my go-to eating spot. And I've stepped up my drinking game (from super loser levels to still-a-loser-but-a-bit-better levels.)
I've also attacked a number of boys' mouth with my own. And I wear that badge with pride. And most of it was completely un-sexy and sloppy. And not the least bit classy. Hey, I just like to keep it true to me.
It's kind of bitter-sweet knowing that half my first year at university is over.
I really want to appreciate it, yanno.
University if four years.
And living on res is only going to be one.
The easy nature of my relationships with my floormates will change, as will the convenience of having everything near by.
And I'm going to try my best to value this even more in the upcoming semester. Because I'm never going to have this time again.
Christmas break has been great. It's been super nice being home, and seeing friends again. Seeing friends that I would love to spend time with more often, but it's just becoming harder to do as we continue building are own individual life. But it's not that I will ever fizzle out with these people. I honestly don't have the most friends, but the ones that I love I truly love. We're in it for a lifetime. They know it, I know it. And the strength of how much we care and cherish each other doesn't waver. We just miss each other a lot. More than anything, it's "too bad." But "too bad" doesn't hold any hurt or negative feelings. It's just that we all are living in different schedules, and that we need to appreciate the times we have together that much more.
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| Les and I being cute because, duh. |
My sleeping habits are backwards, and I've basically turned into an owl.
But more importantly, right now, I am suppose to be working on an assignment that I've been given quite a generous extension on. I've been "working on it" the past three days, but basically have gotten next to nothing done. It;s 20 'till midnight, and I still have next to nothing done. I need to finish it today. (Well no later than the 6th, but considering my schedule: today. Not as in mid-night, but as in before I go to be.) And instead, I am here, with this sudden urge to update my blog. When I had all break to do so.
It seems that I always run to my blog when I am nervous or anxious about completing something. Hell, I started this blog when I had a 20 day deadline to complete and entire high school U (university) - levelled course. So, sure, maybe this is just another distraction - but possibly a healthy one? Is this possible - a healthy distraction? Because my alternate ways of distraction: youtube, shows, sleep, feel almost destructive. I feel worse afterwards. But blogging about this stuff? It makes me feel better. And possibly, though not always, less time-consuming. Ashley's Reasons as Why Blogging Can Be Considered a "Healthy Distraction": (a) I'm using my brain, lol. As in, I am trying to write decent sentences. I mean, I'm not winning awards with it, nor is it poetic in any way, but I'm trying to make these ramblings ones that I am proud of writing. And I think there have to be some advantages in practising communication through words. Kay, that: not a sentence I'm proud of. God bless "advantages in practising communication through words" wtf. Like those people who make speaking so much more difficult than it really should be by talking like they have a thesaurus for a brain. Why. Why would you put yourself, and me, the one who has to listen, through that. I don't understand. (b) I feel productive. This could also go under 'a' but my blog, my rules. Deal with it. (c) I feel like when I go into hermit crab mode, talking and organizing (obviously, organizing is a term I use loosely here) about my feelings in a way helps, not get through it (because, god, life's not that easy. Write a post, problems disappear), but dealing with it? It feels almost therapeutic. Like it's off my chest. For a while anyway. (d) Kind of makes me want to be productive. As in motivating me (and not in some grand way, but a small push) to do the task I'm trying to avoid. So yeah. /end. This how I justify salving away on my keyboard.. making a damn blog post. Shoot me. I try man.
Anyway, with all that being said, I want to make - not a New Years Resolutions list. But goals for the new year. 2014. In terms of life, but also scheduling. And fair warning, I suck at lists. And goals. Also promises and plans.
But keep trying. I know university will be busy, and especially with how much depression is going to slow me down, I know it'll be overwhelming. My therapist told me that, despite it all, I still need to make the time to do things I enjoy. Like I've stated on my first introduction post, there are a number of projects that I've had in my head, but I would always dismiss it as me being "too busy" for such things. Welp, not any more.
So these are a list of IM TOO BUSY BUT DO IT ANYWAY:
- Update my blog. Weekly. Doesn't need to be novel length like this one. It can be about anything.
- DIYs. At least every other week. Often will film it. Just because.
- My YouTube Channel. Will bring it back to life. Making videos every other week! Revamp + Redesign it.
- Journal more. No set date. Just make an effort to do it. Therapist suggested it too.
- Gym! I desperately want to do this. Three times a week. An hour (min) each.
- Get involved! Hoping to join (at least) two clubs at school this semester. Which is something! So!!!
- Eat with floormates once a week. Look, I like eating myself. I really do. But I need to appreciate time with my floormies much more. Eating with them (whoever 'them' is!) outside my core circle is a goal! This is a goal!
- Chatting for a minimum of 20 minutes with a floormate that, again, are outside my core group. Knock on the door, chill in room, once a week. Can't choose the same person/people twice in a row.
- One bonding moment with future housemates a week. I haven't been making enough of an effort to get involved with them lately. Eat dinner with them once! Hang out with them in the room! Go downtown with them over the weekend! Once a week!
And while this list isn't very short, I don't think it's asking a lot easier. I want to force myself to interact with people outside my comfort zone, and appreciate my floor a bit more before the year is over. It's affordable time, since a lot of them have to do with eating, or short breaks anyway. I also want to bring a lot of my projects to life. They've been brewing in my head for far too long. So yay! That's it! This is all.
After two hours of blogging, this post is done!
Sorry for the novel, looking forward to 2014!
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