The thing about university...

It's been a while. (Which is, sadly, completely unsurprising.)

I really want to catch this blog up to speed with where I am now, but there is so so so so much to cover. Which is all just to say I won't be able to cover all of it in depth right now. As in this blog post. Just know that they are definitely on their way. Until then, how about some point-form fun?

• So, as you could guess from the title - I'm in university now! Wow! Who would have thought?
• This also means that I was able to complete that entire grade 12 university levelled course in the 20 day span! I have a lot of feelings about this one -but I did it. So, yay!
• Literally the day that I wrote the exam, I boarded the plane to go to Europe with my family 
• Europe is kickass and surreal. It felt like a dream. It was very, very cool. 
• The day after I came back from my 3 week trip from Europe, I moved in to university.

And University is really cool. 

I've met some really friendly and lovely people.

My campus is absolutely beautiful. 

And I do love my profs, and their teaching.
Because it's not so much the teaching - but listening to them share their passions. 

It's cool.

I want to do well. 

I want to do work.
I want to succeed. 

I love my classes. 

I love my profs. 

I love lectures. 

I love discussions. 

I love my campus. 

But I've been feeling so -it's not even down in the dumps, but just...

I'm don't think I'm in a healthy mind space. 

I also don't think it's just because I'm overwhelmed. 

It's not even being scared of failing university -because I haven't even though that far out yet. 

I feel like I want to go back home and run away at the same time. I want to escape... and I don't even know what I want to escape from. 

But I feel like I'm suffocating.  Like I'm drowning. 

And I don't know why. 

I feel so stuck. 

And I feel like that a lot.
But this time it reminds me of how I felt when my I first started struggling with depression, 

I want out.
And I can't find a way out. 

I miss my friends like crazy, but I don't want to reach out to them either.
That's not true. 

I want to. 

But for some reason I want to shut everyone out right now.
I want everyone to leave me alone, let me curl up in a ball, and then dream about hot guys. Forever and ever. 

I love my friends a lot. So, so much.

And I wish they were here with me. But also, I still want to be alone. 

And the voices in my head are being annoying and obnoxious. 

And I keep telling myself how lucky I am to be here right now. And I am. 

And so I tell myself to shut up, to quit whining:

Boohoo, your life is sooooo hard. You got to leave home to study university. And you have your parents' complete support. Oh, poor you. Poor you.

And I confided in one of my floormates, and she told me something I needed to hear:
"You're allowed to stress out You're allowed to whine. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed. Yeah, you're lucky to be in university. But it doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel these things. It's just part of it." 

And she was right. 

And so I feel a bit better about it  now. The whining, I mean. 

She then proceeded to tell me to write lists on lists on lists. Haha. 

I don't know what to do.
And this is suppose to be my happy blog. 

But I only feel like blogging when I'm feeling down. 

I need a hug. 

But I don't want anyone to give me one. 

Maybe one from Les would be okay. Or Connie. 

Kim or Jennifer, too. 

Maybe we could have a group huddle. 

I don't know. 

I was going to post pretty pictures, but I'll save that for a prettier post. 

Because this is just boring and silly.